Seductive Dream

By Ken Donaldson

 When I was about 12, I watched one of the old Clint Eastwood westerns where he plays the role of the hardened cowboy: Very little emotional expression, very few words, a tough-as-nails attitude, an occasional fight, some woman to fall in love with him and then, at the end, he leaves town to ride off and disappear into the horizon of solitude.

I thought this was what real men were like and, without truly realizing it, I subconsciously took on this image.

Somewhere in my early thirties I couldn’t quite figure out why I felt so alone and disconnected from others. That’s when I realized what I’d done, and I decided to let my inner-cowboy go into retirement. Ever since then I’ve felt more exposed and vulnerable than ever before, but it’s totally acceptable considering the amount of love that I now feel as well.

Ego…Pride…Image. Time and time again I see how these three dynamics interfere with people’s well-being and the development of healthy support systems.

There are some erroneous rumors floating around which suggest mis-truths such as, “I am weak if I need others’ support” or “Other people don’t want to hear about my stuff” or “I shouldn’t have to ask for help.”

If you’ve heard these rumors, perhaps you should listen to this new rumor (which I take full responsibility for starting): “You get no extra points for trying to be super-human and trying to do everything by yourself. You actually show more strength and courage for taking the risk of making yourself vulnerable by asking for help.”

The truth is you’ll all get much farther in life if you have a team you can rely on to support and encourage you, as well as people to help you see your (hmmmm, how shall I put this?) B.S.: Your Blind-Spots. We can all stand to be reminded by others when they see our B.S. arise.

Getting Lit-Up: Plugging Into Your Supportive Communities

Developing an effective support system is the same as building any other type of relationship: You have to know exactly what you’re looking for and the more specific you are, the higher the likelihood you have in creating a truly solid and reliable system.

You have to know those absolutely, positively, got-to-have qualities (your deal-makers) to create the support system you want and need. You have the opportunity for the people who meet all these qualifications to be part of your inner circle, or as I like to call it, your personal posse.

What is it specifically you need from your inner circle? Trustworthiness? Honesty? Directness? Empathetic listening? Feedback without judgment?

The more clear and specific you are about what you need, the easier it’ll be for you to find the people who’ll make up your personal posse.

There’s an obvious flip-side to these requirements as well. You must know what’s absolutely intolerable (your deal-breakers) since you’ll be counting on these individuals to function as your personal board of directors (with you as CEO, founder, creator, and owner).

Make a list of the traits and characteristics you require and refer to it as your “recipe for a successful support system.” Make another list of these unacceptable traits, and feel free at any time to demote anyone who demonstrates any of these unacceptable standards.

I’m often asked, “Where do I find people for my support network?”

With your list of requirements and knowing what you want and need, you can begin asking yourself where people of these qualities and traits are likely to appear.

Truth is they may appear anywhere at anytime, but there are probably certain venues where you are more likely to find them. If, for example, you are looking to add spiritual guidance to your support network you would be wise to go to events and communities that would appeal to those individuals who value and practice spirituality.

The more clearly you define what you are looking for, the easier it will be to find it. And, like everything in your life: If you don’t know what you are looking for, how will you ever possibly find it?

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Ken Donaldson has been offering counseling, coaching, and educational programs since 1987. His programs are focused on empowering people to have more successful lives, businesses and relationships. Claim your FREE Relationship Success Special Report at Marry YourSelf First!. Ken is the author of Marry YourSelf First! Saying “I DO” to a Life of Passion, Power and Purpose.

What Do Men Say is Sexy?
By Deborrah Cooper

 Women dress, walk, talk and adorn themselves in ways that they think will be attractive to the opposite sex. Throughout history women have subjected themselves to painful rituals in order to be considered sexy and desirable by men.

The ancient Japanese bound the feet of female children to keep them small. This sexy binding crippling the women so that they could not walk.

Various tattoos and markings have been used in Pacific Island and other cultures around the world to adorn the skin of the body.

Africans inserted stones in lips and earlobes, stretching them out of shape. In other African tribes, long thin necks were thought to be beautiful, so the women wore rings around their necks to stretch them (the more rings, the longer the neck and therefore the more desirable the woman).

In the U.S., women go on extreme diets to get thin; pierce lips, eyes, nostrils and nipples; or endure surgical procedures like breast enlargements, tummy tucks, Botox injections, face lifts and body waxing because they think men will find these physical modifications to be sexier.

Women will also roll leave their homes with their rear ends out and everything showing. They think this is sexy and the only way to get a man’s attention.

With the competition for men so fierce among women, just what is a girl to do? She wants to attract and keep a good man that finds her exciting. So just what DO men say is sexy?

What Do Guys Say is Sexy

One guy spent a month in Egypt where the women wore long black burkas, exposing nothing but their eyes to the public.

He reported “The eyes are the most powerful attraction that a woman has, but that’s mainly used in close-range encounters. Things like hair, clothes and body catch a man’s interest from far away. Eye color is not the most important thing. I think eye shape maybe. A man can drown in the right pair of eyes. The eyes are extremely sexy, and I left Egypt very hot and bothered and I’d seen nothing but EYES!”

One young guy wrote “a woman with a job and her OWN MONEY is the sexiest thing I can think of!” Seemed to get his blood boiling just to think about it.

“Women with gorgeous bodies and tiny little love handles is sexy.”

“A natural and warm smile is almost like a hug - it’s very welcoming. Fake or strained smiles don’t get it.”

“There’s nothing sexier than a black woman - it’s just the way they are. A nice smile, a pleasant speaking voice, and meat on da bone! I can’t stand no skinny women!”

“I like women that are about 20 lbs over the weight on those insurance charts. I even like a little cellulite on firm shapely thighs. I like my woman to LOOK LIKE A WOMAN, not a twig.” This letter came in from a Texan. I guess it’s true that they like everything bigger down there!

“A really nice scent on a woman circumvents all of that higher-level thinking and reaches men in a very visceral place. It shouldn’t be too strong or too subtle. A woman has to find the right perfume for her body chemistry.”

“A woman’s voice is very sexy to me.”

“All I can say is that these women walking around here all bony need to remember what dogs do to bones; they knaw on them and then bury them.”

“A sharp wit balanced with an elegant demeanor is very sexy.”

“A woman who feels sexy about herself, or who is sensual and confident is very sexy!”

Many men wrote and expressed a sentiment that is the direct opposite of the belief many women hold about their clothing - or lack thereof. Most men expressed the opposite sentiment: “Even though we like to LOOK, that doesn’t mean it stirs me in the place a woman wants me to be stirred which is my heart!”

Another young man held a similar viewpoint: “Understated vs. overstated is sexy…leave something to my imagination ladies. The possibility and the calculation is what men like.”

“I’m a blue-eyed blonde, but I find women with dark, dark skin that glows in the sunlight to be ridiculously sexy.”

Another dreadlocked, dashiki wearing brother complained that Black women need to stop applying what they see in the mainstream media to themselves in relation to beauty, fashion, body image and as the criteria to judge what is or is not sexy.

What Isn’t Sexy?

“Not sexy at all is someone who tries too hard to be sexy! Don’t wiggle around and be so obvious with yourself. I had a woman come stand in front of me and bend over to pick up a pack of cigarettes she dropped. It was just nasty. Makes a woman look bad when they do all that.”

“Eager to please, bringing attention to themselves, always wanting to do the right thing, or just plain doting is definitely not sexy!”

“Women with all them damn muscles. Hey, if I wanted to sleep with a hard body, I’d be gay! Women are supposed to be shapely, with softness and curves. I don’t want somebody with yokes like me!”

In summary, it seems the qualities guys value as sexy are:

Confidence

High self-esteem (a woman that values herself)

A winning smile

A smooth voice

Feminine curves that are toned and firm

Definitely not skinny

Intelligent with a witty sense of humor

Got it ladies? So put some clothes on and work on demonstrating the qualities above if you want guys to really find you sexy!

(c) 2008 Deborrah Cooper. Deborrah has authored dozens of relationship articles and advice columns on Ask HeartBeat!, which focuses on modern relationships for teens and adults. Her dating guide Sucka Free Love! provides street-smart, hilarious insight into the toughest issues facing singles today. Check out The Sucka Free Dating Radio Talk Show on Wednesday night at 7:00 pm PST.

Some Advice To Help Your Relationship
By Julia Solomon

 Anyone who has ever been in a relationship will agree that it is grueling. Being sheltered in competition with your partner makes clothes infinitely more of a challenge. Once this vicious round begins, your relationship is in big danger. By practicing a little spoil command as shortly as this riddle starts can preclude an otherwise doomed relationship.

Who is susceptible to this rank of quandary? Ambitious people, who cultivate to be tense to each other, can find this competition destroying their relationship if they are not chary. If you are asking manually if this is an obstacle in your relationship, it may already have gotten to a headland of no yield. Rori Raye has a call she calls “boy energy,” which describes the type of energy that you use to accomplish great effects. She tells us women to authority it out of our relationships with men, for this exact infer: it can demolish everything you have worked for.

The symbols that there are an unruly should be beautiful apparent. He will start to elude competitive activities, and may become confrontational when you ask him to do little gear like go jogging or play a diversion of band. When he begins to shy away from fun clothes you once enjoyed together that rivet competition, you can be certainly that something is erroneous.

Despite the actual confidence of a competitive man, it doesn’t take much to cast his amusement off. There are a lot of habits of burden this, from talking over him to being a sore loser when he wins. If you make him feel as though you are his rival, his perceive of place in your life is threatened.

In a vigorous relationship, he is seeking your manner, passion, and acceptance. When you challenge his labors and successes, this makes him speculate whether he can presume these fundamental effects from you. If he senses that you are unwilling to proposal him these effects that he wants, he will instigate to distrust his function (and yours) in the relationship. This queried is harmful to your connection.

You should start to focus on solutions as shortly as you know this as a challenge. Instead of asking what his crisis is, you ought to ask what you’re tricky is. The must to take away the glory from your partner and petition it as your own is actually an indication of insecurity. Only when you have reconciled this question with manually will you be disposed and able to give freely the praise and recognize that he requests from you.

This one little sample of relationship opinion can bank you so much grief! Turn the state around, and ask yourself how you would feel if he left you in the dust every time you went for a jog, or if he pouted every time you beat him at a match. Turn the tables by being aware to competitive situations and diffusing them through compassion. Celebrate his victories both widely and in reserved. By bountiful him the focus rather than stealing it away from him, you can make him feel like you are in a partnership rather than a contest.

Read about relationship breakup and trust in a relationship at the Relationship Guide website.

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